Day One!

Day one on my walk:

It has taken me 45 years to finally get to this spot. I sit here today in the gym watching Maggie’s cheernastics class and I realize that that use to be me.  It was not so long ago that I could flip and jump and cheer with the best of them. Today…well…let’s just say I can’t. Now I know that your typical 45 year old cannot still do what he or she did when they were 12, 15, 18, or even 21 for that matter, but WHY NOT!!!  Why can’t I still jump and flip and cheer and not look like a raving idiot. My body is not betraying me keeping me from doing this.  Rather, I am betraying my body.  I have spent the better part of the last 30 years on the up and down weight cycle going way up then way down only to go way up again.  I know what to do. I know where I am going wrong.  I just have not had the intestinal fortitude to set it right PERMANENTLY.  There have been  times when I lost large amounts of weight and looked great and felt great, but when life came knocking again, I fell right back into the same old habits that got me big to start with.  I realize now that every time I would start a diet or exercise plan I would become fixated on the goal.  I would work hard and even become slightly obsessed with reaching my goal:  to lose X pounds before the reunion, to get into that X size bridesmaids dress before the wedding, to lose double X pounds during the short summer break knowing that I could not focus on it when school started back.  It always became about the goal.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  Goals and goal setting are important.  Goals give you target for which to shoot so you are not working arbitrarily without real purpose.  My problem was that my goals were my destination, not my purpose.   And even when you have the best intentions with your goals but you are so fixated on the prize at the end that you miss out on the real magic, the change that happens within you addressing the issues that bring on your perpetual struggle.  THAT should have been the purpose.

It has taken me all these 30 years to realize that it is not about the destination, it is about the walk to get there. It is on that walk where you can truly take the time to focus on the purpose.  And it is that, a WALK not a sprint.  I have always thought of it like a race rather than a leisurely walk that allows you to ponder and enjoy the journey.  I am now embarking on yet another journey down the road of weight loss, but this time it is different.  This time I will be spending most of my time not worrying about counting calories, fat grams, or carbs, about weighing or measuring food, about programs or meetings, or about the calorie burn, or even
about the scale (gasp!).  This time I finally understand that to truly be successful, I have to re-learn how to take care of myself and my family.  I have always known what I should do; I just have not held myself accountable for doing it.  I have never really taken the opportunity on a daily basis to really learn during the journey.

I am determined this time to be different.  I am determined this time to learn why I continue to struggle and eliminate those negative energies from my life.  I am determined to make my family’s health and well-being, my relationship with my husband, and my relationship with God the forefront of my life EVERY DAY and make ALL my decisions with those two things in mind.  I know without doing this, I cannot be successful.  I am determined that this time will be the last time I ever have to take this walk again.  I am looking forward to the day that I can take another walk in another direction knowing that my long trek on this never ending circle is finally over.  Forget that…I am looking forward to the day that  I will be flipping, jumping, and shouting  because I am FINALLY off that same worn path. I promise to video that! J

Stay tuned for what I learn along the way.